Most “dating experts” focus solely on the matchmaking and attraction aspects of their services. They find two people with similar interests, get them together and let them run free in the wind. Simple enough, right? Then why is it that so many wonderful women who get set up with a great guy, do very well during the initial phases of the relationship, only to end up getting burned by little, flying chunks of Goodyear as the guy they want peels down the road towards the sunset and his next girlfriend? I’ll tell you why. In fact, I already did in the very first line. Dating experts and even yourself, get so hung-up on finding that great, date-able person, that they completely neglect the oh-so subtle, male to female relationship dynamics that are needed for taking things to the next level.
The Truth Hurts
I am going to pull you aside for just a second and tell a truth that most people skirt around. It’s a bit painful, but it’s a fact. When a man says that he does not want a relationship, isn’t ready for a relationship, or isn’t the relationship type; no matter what syntax he uses … he is telling you the truth, just a softened version it. Now, this doesn’t mean that he won’t be ready for a relationship in the future, but some things have already happened that have lead him to make up his mind about you. Although he may change his mind about relationships, he most likely won’t change his mind about one with you.
So, how do you avoid this? You’ve picked him, now how do you get him to choose you on permanent basis? How do you go from a girl he used to date, to the woman that he married? Well, assuming that the compatibility and attraction factors are truly there, here are a few tips that definitely work at getting him to commit, along with some things to avoid (deadly mistakes that I see women make time and time again).
1. Teammates (a united front)
This might sound silly to many of you ladies, but most of us guys have sports and war engraved into our DNA coding. We need a partner that is on our team. I cannot fully convey with words alone how important this is. The times that I have felt the most disconnect with my wife is when I feel like we are not a functioning as a unit; like she doesn’t get me. The more I think about it, I have sent quite a few great women packing over the years simply because I felt like we didn’t make a very good team.
This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with the guy you like on every single topic (however, a healthy amount is very conducive for compatibility). It’s more about the little things. For example: If you are out to eat and your relationship hopeful cracks a joke about a couple that is sitting across the way, don’t just smile or giggle at the joke. If you at all find what he said to be truthful or amusing, expand upon it. Crack out your own witty remark. This lets him know (in a weird way) that you have his back, you two are a team, and above all, you get him.
1st Deadly Mistake: Turning Things Into A Competition
Remember, you need to be on the same team, not opposing teams. Try to quell the urge to always be right or to be the important idea generator (it’s not valid unless it comes from your mouth first) and definitely do not let petty pride compel you to disagree with little things that are of no legitimate importance. Remember that book, ‘Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff’? Of course, you are your own person and have your own valid points of view, but don’t sweat the small stuff. If you find yourself at odds with every little thing he says or does, you and your guy are not nearly as compatible as you thought or you have some control issues. Either way, he is going to hit the bricks and you’ll soon find yourself single once more.
2. Win Over His Family & Friends
When his buddies tell him that you are a keeper and even their girlfriends or wives are telling him how wonderful you are, he will think much more deeply about keeping you around. Just like you, he values the opinions of his friends and wants the woman he chooses to not only be able to get along with his pals, but to be disposed to spend time with his friends.
The same goes double for his family. If he feels like future family get-togethers are going to bettered by your presence, then taking that next step with you will feel much more natural to him. You don’t have to like all of them, but do put forth a solid effort to make them like you. It will make a world of difference to him psychologically, which could result in him placing you inside of what he deems his family circle.
3. Be His Muse (Inspire!)
“Behind every great man there stands a great woman.” This quote couldn’t be truer. In this day and age, we all get so caught up in building our own success that we forget to properly support and inspire our partners. You don’t have to be mushy or cheesy when trying to inspire him, just be honest, constructive and positive. If it is work related and you’re not quite sure what he does, ask him to explain it to you or do some Google research regarding his company and position, then you can give him a real opinion when he bounces ideas off you.
• When you see good deeds or achievements in others, mention it. This is actually very inspiring to men, but in a very subtle way. • Encourage him. • If he is feeling thwarted, point out past success and the strengths you see in him which may allow him to succeed again. • Be earnest and respectful when he is wrong. Handle the situation with positivity and patience (he will realize that it is alright to be wrong around you and may not fight so hard to be right).
2nd Deadly Mistake: Nagging
A Nagging woman is about the most uninspiring thing on the planet for a man. Some women can even take it to a whole other level and turn it into both an art form and sport. It is bad enough to be nagged by your wife, but at least in that situation the man is forced to deal with it. However, if you haven’t even gotten a commitment out of the guy yet, being a nag is a HUGE mistake. His mind: “Wow, she is already nagging me all the time. I can’t even imagine what being married to this woman would be like, and don’t want to.”
If you have to nag at a man, it is because he simply does not want to do whatever it is that you are nagging him for. Just leave it at that; he doesn’t want to do it. Imagine if you didn’t want to do something and he was incessantly in your face, coldly telling you to do said thing or constantly bringing up something from the past. You wouldn’t like it either, because it is in fact, horrible.
4. Confidence Is Sexy
Most men do love a confident woman. If you are naturally a timid person, presenting yourself in a more confident manner is something that you can work on over time. If you’re just a bit shy, that’s ok. Many guys take a little while to warm up to new people as well. Just try to avoid the whole, mousy, and scared of the world act. I suppose there are some guys out there whose ideal woman is completely timid and submissive, but most men want a partner that they can confront the world with. Men DO want to protect their women, but from things that go bump in the night, burglars and the like, not every day social situations.
3rd Deadly Mistake: Confident Does Not Mean Bossy
A man wants his woman to be sure of herself and she should know that she is a valuable commodity, but we don’t need another boss. This goes back to both having a great teammate and not being a nag. If you are an authoritative figure in your professional life, try to turn that off when you are away from work. Undermining his self-respect and damaging his ego by bossing him around are sure-fire ways to get him to change his mind about a future with you.
5. Roll With The Punches (Don’t Force It)
If you have an easy relationship with your man, (when I say easy, I mean it feels fairly natural and easy to be around each-other and the physical chemistry is certainly there) and you follow the advice I have given you so far, there will come a point when he commits to you. Don’t try to force his decision, just let nature take its course. Rather than try to create a commitment conversation out of the blue, wait for a viable situation to present itself, like a trip that only one of you will be going on. This could be an excellent time to lightly broach the topic of commitment. He may realize that you may have romantic opportunity if you’re off jet-setting alone or off with friends on some adventure and he won’t want to lose you.
4th Deadly Mistake: The Ultimatum
This is the granddaddy of all mistakes. Giving the guy you are dating an ultimatum is in direct contradiction to not forcing it. You might not have thought of it this way, but it is manipulation at its finest. You are forcing him into doing something that YOU want him to do before is ready to do it. Every fiber of his being will rebel against this controlling act. At best, he will acquiesce. But that is only if he had already made up his mind fully to commit to you and unfortunately, now there will be a long-lasting, underlying resentment attached to the ultimatum through-out your relationship.
Another result of the ultimatum is that he may have already been ready to commit to you, but the negative connotations of your ultimatum make him change his mind in that moment. If he is still on the fence about the long-term, providing him with this demand will almost certainly send him packing. To put it simply, ultimatums are never a good idea!
Now you have five great pieces of advice that will help you get him to commit, and four of the most common relationship ending mistakes that we see women make. Your next go-around could be the winner! For more in-depth information, our dating coaches are here to give you personalized assistance for these types of situations and much more. Click Here for Info on our Dating Coach Services
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