We are happy to feature a guest blogger this week Julie Ferman to discuss how to be interesting on a date.
Practice Being Interested, On Each of Your Dates By Julie Ferman, Master of Matchmaking
How to be interesting? Get better at being interested. It’s an art. Here’s the why and the how to, from world renowned dating coach, Julie Ferman, Master of Matchmaking
It’s fascinating to me that we don’t see our own blind spots. That’s the nature of blind spots, isn’t it?
Here’s some post-date feedback from one of our matchmaking client’s first dates, with another of our current matchmaking clients, Stephen: “Sherrie is very caring and engaged in her work life, yet she came across as very self-interested on our date. She talked endlessly about herself and didn’t demonstrate much interest at all in me, in who I am, in what I’m all about. And so I was turned off, simple as that.”
Wow, right? So while Sherrie considers herself to be “thoughtful, service oriented, caring and loving” on her first date this week, the impression she gave him was that she was self-centered and insensitive.
Now, I know Sherrie well and she really and truly IS loving and thoughtful, and she really DOES care about other people – it’s just that she didn’t demonstrate that on her first date with Stephen, and so she blew it. He was wildly attracted to her, until he got the impression that she’s just another narcissistic, self-centered LA chick, and well… we only have one chance to make a first impression.
For some of us, when we get nervous, we talk. And we talk. And we talk. When men do this on a first date, we call it “peacocking” – he’s showing off his feathers, usually because he is interested and attracted and he’s naturally trying to impress her. Women, well… we talk lots more than men do, on the average, to begin with. As my husband says, “Generally speaking, women are generally… speaking” – Cute.
Here’s how to avoid the “me-me-me” trap on your first date. Practice the art of being interested. Look for and find something fascinating and worth exploring in everything your date says. Ask open-ended questions to dig more deeply into the topic. He says, “My sister just had her first child.” So you might say, “What’s different for you, now that you’re Uncle Stephen?” or “How is she handling this new adventure?” I want you to begin practicing being naturally curious. Get good at it. Life will be so much more colorful and vibrant when you do. I promise.
The secret is to really be present and listen, fully engaged, rather than half-listening, as you’re planning the next thing YOU are going to say. I know you know what I’m talking about here…
Sometimes on a date, a woman might withhold interest, because she’s not attracted to him and she doesn’t want to lead him on. And so she puts little effort into the date and rambles on and on about whatever’s on her plate at the moment. She’s in effect, burning her bridge with this particular gent. A much better way for her to handle a date with a guy she’s not “hot for” is to make a friend, to give him the gift of her focused attention and leave him feeling whole and dignified. If he mistakes her interest as a romantic possibility, she can practice speaking her truth by saying something like “I’m not sure we’ve got a romantic spark happening here, but I’m so happy we had this chance to meet; Let’s stay in touch.”
Being an interested person is an art well worth exploring and developing. Have fun practicing.
If you’d like to transform Me to We, register privately here, to be eligible for personal matchmaking referrals throughout the U.S., Canada and beyond.
A special thanks to our guest blogger Julie Ferman of MasterofMatchmaking.com