We are happy to feature a guest blogger this week, Gemini Ferrie, to discuss keeping it real while dating.

Keeping it Real While Dating By Gemini Ferrie

When dating, we can have a variety of intentions - having fun, getting laid, getting into a relationship, or finding someone to marry and have babies with. If we feel either that we can’t have what we want, or that it’s hard to get it, then even with the best of intentions we can go into dating trying to be someone we’re not. We can start to show up as who we think we should be in order to (hopefully) succeed in having what we want.

Often, this isn’t even a conscious process. It happens automatically. It’s a blind spot, something you do that you’re not aware of. And since you’re not aware of it, you can’t do anything about it in the moment. “It”, that part of you that’s showing up to succeed, is running you and making you act, well… a little funny.

We’ve all had those moments on a date when we secretly wonder why in the world we just said that silly thing! And then we end up trying to hide that we’re wondering that from our date, hoping that he/she won’t notice, all while trying to be present with them.

Or perhaps we’re in our heads with a mental check-list to see if our date fits what we’re looking for. We’re in such a constant process of analyzing and judging them, ourselves, and the situation (the date) - that we don’t even see the other person for who they are.

Sometimes we end up being reserved, holding back how we feel and what we think because of fear of being hurt, judged, or rejected. We may say we don’t know where we’d like to go or what we want to do next, even if we do. We might leave everything up to our date. And that may come across as sweet, but we don’t end up projecting a strong sense of self.

If we are overly attached to our intention/goal, we see only what we want to see in the other. We only see what matches our list. We project our dream-partner onto our date, which causes us to overlook things we ought to be noticing.

What we don’t like or approve of, we ignore or pretend we didn’t notice. We end up defending the person in our own head. If we didn’t do this, we’d have to realize something unpleasant about the other person - and the date might end sooner, the relationship might not go as far, and we might not get what we want.

Another example of not keeping it real is when we pretend to want more or less than what is being stated or insinuated. Often, the reason behind this is to first find out where the other person is at. It’s a way of testing the waters. The thing is... what if the other person is also playing it safe?!

Is he The One? - How about him? - How about her? - Could you be the one? Maybe you are The One. - Do you think he’s the one? - She’s such a great catch though, maybe she is. - But I want him to be The One! - Perhaps if I change in this way or that way, perhaps if I’m more or less of this or that he/she will see that I could be The One. Ever hear any of these in your head?

  This kind of attachment comes from our Disney movie upbringing of Prince Charming     and Happily Ever After, in which the guy (or girl) will save us from ourselves and our     just ok life. It promises that life will be perfect after we find him/her. This is of course       fine for movies but does not actually describe real life.

I cannot tell you how many women come to my office with this Disney perspective about love. I was one of these women 5 years ago. This idea kept me searching even when I was in a relationship, never fully present, missing red flags, and always unfulfilled. Then, this happily ever after idea broke my heart more than any man had when I learned that depending on someone else for my happily ever after was never going to make me happy. I had to grow up big time.

All these ways of being in dating that don’t work to get us what we really want, they don’t mean that there’s anything bad or wrong about us. They just mean that we’re misinformed or guided by aspects that need a little love and healing.

We all have these aspects of ourselves, even the most empowered and positive people you know. They show up in various areas of life, not just love. Having unhealed parts of ourselves doesn’t have to be a problem if we see them as opportunities to practice loving ourselves and being there for ourselves. How?

I invite you to place your hand on your heart (yes, right now!)

Take a deep breath of love into your center.

Now direct your next breath of love into that part of you that perhaps hasn’t been totally real in dating, and say to yourself:

My precious {say your name},

I love you sooo much and I will always love you no matter what.

Ahhh… Doesn’t it feel good to feel a little love for yourself? So, keeping it real... It is a spiritual practice. It is an invitation from our Highest Self, our Divine Self, our Soul, our Spirit - or whatever word you fancy. This invitation from our Soul says to shine our unique light. Because it is only through this shining of our essence that we can keep it real in dating.

Keeping it real takes balls because it can sometimes feel like we’re taking a big risk: we might not get what we want, we might fall flat on our faces.

Keeping it real is the highest call from within that can make all our love dreams come true, because we naturally sift out what’s not a true match for us.

And keeping it real is the practice that helps us avoid unnecessary heart-break in love.

By keeping it real, I don’t mean saying everything we think and feel haphazardly as thoughts and feelings come up. I mean keeping it real by being transparent and honest from a loving and kind place that honors us and the other.

Keeping it real comes from a place of authentic caring for us and our fellow human friend.

Keeping it real is about looking out for one another. It’s about being more committed to us both being happy by having what we really want, instead of being attached to us being together, or things looking a certain way.

Keeping it real means being honest with ourselves and the other about where we’re really at, what we want, and what we are and are not open to. This is the perfect recipe for getting what we actually want. Doing this helps the other with the same. It’s a win-win.

Keeping it real helps us avoid settling for the wrong person. Because it’s better to deal with the pain of not getting what we think we want now, than to deal with the pain of feeling stuck in a relationship that doesn’t even work for us, just so we’re not alone, and then having to break up anyway.

But how do we keep it real? We can start by setting an intention to keep it real on every date. This will change the way we show up. It will guide us on how to be by dissolving all ideas on how we should be, so we have the space to be who we are, naturally and effortlessly.

Instead of this being a nice concept you read, I want this to be alive and real for you. I want this article to change you and your dating experience.

So I invite you to once again place your hand on your heart,

Take a deep breath of love, and say it to yourself like you mean it:

My intention from now on is to be REAL in dating

Now take a couple more deep loving breaths and notice these first few moments of what it feels like to be this kind of person; to be the kind of person who is invested in Keeping it Real in dating. Remind yourself of this intention everyday by setting a phone or calendar alarm, or by writing a sticky note near your computer.

You got this. I honor you for your intention to keep it real. Feel free to write me a little note about how it went.

With deep gratitude,

Gemini Ferrie,

Love Coach for Women


A special thank you to our guest blogger, Gemini Ferrie, Love Coach for Women.