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Saying the Right Things on a Date

One of the greatest fears of anyone going on a date is that the other person will find you boring. Although that might seem a trivial matter, consider this:  Would you want to go on an hour-long date with someone who bores you to death?  Even spending a minute with a boring person can seem like an eternity, so it’s important to find ways to be entertaining to your date so that he or she will not walk away permanently. A few considerations – how did you meet your date?  Did you meet somewhere that you consider your favorite stomping ground?  For example, if your date is an animal lover, did you meet at the local rescue center?  Or perhaps you met at a club where you both love to dance?  Having things like this in common will pave the way for interesting topics to talk about during an actual date.  It also means that your date will probably be interested in the same things you find interesting.

Second, maybe you have other interests that your date may want to know about?  Even if they don’t share those interests, it may be nice to casually bring up that you like to pursue other hobbies or fields of interest.  If your date thinks those seem like exciting past times, you can follow up by asking them to join you in one of those activities for a second date.

Third, make it a point to ask about the other person’s occupation, hobbies and interests, too.  In simple terms, don’t dominate the conversation with “me” topics.  Remember, it’s a conversation – not a monologue.  So make sure your date has room to share what their interests as well.  Not only will you appear more attractive to your date, but you may find more things that you like about your date.

Fourth, try to steer clear of heavy topics while on a first or second date.  If your date happens to mention that he or she is recently divorced or separated from their spouse, it might be too emotional to delve into such a topic so early in the dating process.  Only open up such topics if you feel like you have a comfortable enough rapport with one another.  Such topics can promote bonding if treated carefully and with respect.

On any date, there are bound to be grey areas that you or your date are not prepared to handle (especially if it is your first date with one another).  These are grey areas because no one, not even the best dating expert, can predict the other person’s reaction to such topics.  If these grey areas do crop up, it is important to be sensitive to the other person’s sentiments before giving your honest opinion.  This way, you will be able to enjoy one another’s company until the time comes for more intimate self-disclosure.

Don't Settle; Settle Down

Are you a picky dater?  Is your choosiness leaving you feeling more lonely and frustrated than ever?  You are not the only one.  Women often confuse having a long list of pre-requisites with having high standards.  When dating to find a lasting relationship, you don’t have to settle; but you may have to settle down and be realistic about what it means to being in a loving and equal partnership.  

You can benefit by doing a little personal work to determine your core needs before seeking out the perfect mate.  By delineating your future goals, values, morals and principles, you can give yourself guidelines for realistic deal-breakers and must-haves in a relationship.  It’s important to be concise and really focus on your core needs and not the superficial aspects that may have led you astray in the past.  Anytime your list has veered into something too superficial, take a step back and reevaluate what is truly important to your heart and soul.

 

After this refinement, when you’ve determined what is meaningful and important to you in a partner, you will have more success in finding someone who will be a match for your overall well being.  Once you let go of the need to seek perfection and allow yourself to be surprised, the second-guessing that left you frustrated in the past will lead to a wealth of opportunities.  When you’re listening to your heart and meeting your core needs, you’re never settling for anything less than the warmth and love you deserve.

Stop the Dating Games Before They Start

In the dating world, women are often frustrated by what they perceive to be the behaviors of men who run hot and cold with their interests.  If you’re tired of this cat-and-mouse game, remember that you as a woman set the tone – you’re the common denominator, and you have the power to stop these games before they begin.  

The first step in taking back the power is to assume responsibility.  The men you are attracting and find yourself attracted to reflect what you feel you deserve.  Men who are truly seeking a serious, long-term relationship will not be playing confusing games; and so you can easily determine who is ready for love by whether or not they are in engaging in these trivial pursuits.

 

Though it may seem counter-intuitive, it is beneficial to set the tone with the men you are dating by revealing your soft and vulnerable side early on.  This sets the standard for honesty and clarity in what you need from a relationship.  A high risk/high reward move, the act of displaying these emotions early on can leave you feeling vulnerable; but when looking for a lasting relationship, there will be no mixed messages about the love you’re both seeking.

 

When you only allow yourself to appear aloof in the beginning, it attracts the type of man who doesn’t believe you’re looking for a serious relationship.  It establishes an air of disinterest in anything serious; and suddenly removing that wall later on will seem like you are going back on an unspoken agreement and often scare off the man in question for good.

 

By allowing for honesty and openness up front, you’ve stopped the games before they’ve begun and opened the door for love.

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How Changing Gender Roles Impact Relationships

Cupid's CroniesThe past 50+ years have endured extraordinary changes relative to gender roles in relationships. No longer is it just the husband going off to work while the wife cleans, cooks, and cares for the children.

Women are active in the workforce at historical highs.

The workingwoman now has the means and initiative to take care of herself and not solely rely on the man to “put the food on the table”.

This new, independent woman has had profound effects on dating. Some are good, some bad, and some just plain confusing.

 

Expectations

shutterstock_143588680Expectations of men and their gender roles have been redefined.

The modern man is expected to be emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and possess the “feminine” quality of being able to multi-task. Men are no longer expected to be able to fix everything, just as women are no longer expected to cook every meal.

Similarly, men have their own perceptions of what is expected from a woman.

The nurturing, supportive, family-oriented and dedicated woman has been substituted with what is perceived to be more of a hardened, calculated, opportunistic opposite.

The naivety that men once embellished has been replaced with suspicion and distrust. Men are traditionally perceived as not putting as much effort into a relationship because the woman would “know her place” and always be there - the rock of the relationship

shutterstock_133318550It is now required of men to put forth similar attention and dedication to a relationship. The ladies will not tolerate feeling taken for granted.

Men may now be attracted to and impressed by an independent woman, but they still often long for that emotional safety net that a woman once provided.

A disconnect exists between modern gender role identities, and traditional expectations.

 

The Truth - for Men

Often times, women complain that “real men” no longer exist in today’s modern society. Or, that “chivalry is dead”.Maslow's hierarchy of nedes

What we've heard from women is that they wish men would still make the first move and ask them to dinner, open their car door, and pull out their chairs.  It's a part of our tradition and it goes back to why women want and need men to begin with.  Women are attracted to the strong ambitious powerful alpha males, because they have the need for safety and feel that can be realized by a male protector.

Think about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Safety and security are some of our most basic primal needs and this is what women seek in men - to feel comforted and that they will be taken care of and protected.

It can be concluded that if you're a man trying to make a good impression, offer your hand to help her out of the car and your arm when you're walking down the street.  Especially when she's wearing heels.  She'll appreciate it and you'll up your value in her eyes.

 

The Truth - for Women

At the same time, men complain that women are not family-oriented enough, too career-focused, and not as maternal as they should be.

shutterstock_157327856Many men have been pushed to get in touch with their feminine side and explore their feelings; all the while women are imposing their will in an often-intimidating fashion. They feel emasculated by women who have been forced to take on more testosterone heavy roles in the work place, then allow those traits carry over into their personal life.

Women intimidate men, because men feel that women are not very approachable or inviting. They believe, and accurately so, that if a woman wants something, now she goes after it and gets it herself and will ask the man out.

The truth is, women will still go after what they want, but they still appreciate the feeling of being desired.

Similarly, men respect a powerful woman, but still covet a woman’s loving, caring propensities.

So who's supposed to pay for the first date?  Women have their own money, however, they still continue to earn less than men. Typically we encourage the man to pick up the bill since it is the gentlemanly thing to do.

Many women have told me that they would never give a man a second date if he didn't at least offer to pay (she can get it next time).  It goes back to tradition.  Women still want a gentleman who can take care of her - if needed. We also encourage the woman to split it with him if she has no intent of seeing him again.

 

Where Do We Go From Here?

Young-couple-arguing-in-theirThe shift in gender roles has resulted in traditional relationships becoming outdated, but people's core needs still need to be met.

Recently, many marriages have ended as a result of the inability to refine relationships to meet modern expectations. Mature couples are finding the need to either redefine their relationships or risk imminent break up.

shutterstock_170680364The more that each person in a relationship can follow the 5 A's - appreciate, accept, accommodate, show affection, and allow the other to explore their revolving interests and goals, the greater the likelihood of success.

The key is to address these issues and find the balance.

 

What do you think about the evolution of gender roles? Who do you think should pay on the first date? Let us know below!

Don't forget to share this with some of your single friends!

Take our Survey!! Who do you think should pay on the first date? 

 

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