Dating expertsknow that creating attraction before you even speak to a woman is all about confidence. This is something that comes naturally to some men but is often something that others need to work on. So how is it done? How do you make women attracted to you before you ever speak to them? Forget all of the gimmicks and B.S. tricks. What you’re after is the appearance of simple, natural confidence. The last thing you want is to come across as the guy who is poorly implementing tips from a training series he just bought from some douchy, self-proclaimed ‘Pick-up Artist’. Maybe that stuff works on weak women with very little self-esteem, but an intelligent, confident woman can smell that garbage from a mile away, and that’s the true prize. Right?
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We all want to be number one in the eyes of our significant other. It’s part of the Disneyesque fantasy that most of us have been programmed with. This is why I hear the term ‘deal-breaker’ thrown around so haphazardly when it comes to dating a person who has children from a previous relationship. Dating someone with kids (in the hearts & minds of those who have no children) can feel like there is a living, breathing reminder that they are not going to be the number one priority ... front and center at all times. Not only is this type of thinking unfair to single parents out there, but people could be missing out on someone great just because of a few negative, preconceived notions.
There are many barriers that block us from obtaining loving and lasting relationships. In daily life, the attributes of being independent, assertive and highly intelligent serves people well in their careers and in business. But just because you have a strong grasp in these black-and-white areas of life doesn’t mean those same attributes will serve you well in the subtleties needed in maintaining and loving and equal relationship. Sometimes those admirable personality traits that allow you succeed in business or non-romantic aspects of your social life are what truly hold you back from finding love. Often times, these are unhealed wounds developed in childhood or early relationships as a defense mechanisms or survival techniques – preventing yourself from feeling vulnerable or out of control, which in turn can lead to hurtful feelings of being exposed or weak and therefore less than.
Without even being aware that we’re doing it, we may be throwing up subconscious barriers to receiving love. Change is difficult, both mentally and physically, so the act of moving in a healthier direction naturally throws up a feeling of resistance.
As a reflex, we default to self-protecting behaviors that may not lead to successful relationships – behaviors such as self-sabotage, projection of negative traits onto others and controlling actions, while giving a sense of stability, only foster dysfunctional relationships in the long run.
However, working with a relationship coach can help us break these bad habits that have built up over a lifetime. From an objective perspective, a dating coach can help you recognize the patterns that are holding you back from taking a relationship to a long-term successful level where both partners are happy and fulfilled.
None of us have perfect communication or coping skills, but those of us who are open to recognizing our faults and actively working on them to change for the better will have the most success at finding lasting love.
It may be a scary thought to “turn over the rock” and see what’s underneath with respect to our faults. But, ultimately, that hard work of clearing out the cobwebs will bring a greater peace and openness that will serve you well in all aspects of life.
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As a Matchmaker, Dating and Relationship Coach, I challenge my clients (and single friends for that matter) to avoid texting as much as possible early in a relationship. There is frustration on both sides out there in the dating scene – both men and women are guilty of bad texting habits in this online / digital world. People can reach us – anytime, any place… but that doesn’t mean they should. I’ve seen more than my fair share of promising new connections ‘crash and burn’ due to texting. It's too bad. Communication can be easily confused or misunderstood - and boundaries can be violated when you don’t really know someone.
Let’s look at some basics. Of course, no one wants to feel like they are being stalked. Communication in new relationships should be balanced. And in this instant gratification culture of ours, patience is (still) a virtue. Romance and chemistry are exciting and fun – but you’ve got to be patient and get to know someone in person or voice to voice. And that takes time and experiences together (aka DATING). It’s often a red flag when someone starts burning up your phone with long text messages and photos early on…
Let’s start at the beginning, which is one of the trouble spots I am hearing about. Men, please call and ask women out on dates as opposed to sending ambiguous texts about schedules and getting together. Be intentional. Make a plan and practice chivalry – which includes a personal invitation out on a date. Women want to be pursued by men they are interested in… within reason. They want to know that you are interested in them and that you are thinking about them – but not too much ; ) Again, it’s a balance - and an art.
Of course, don’t text while on a date. Give someone your full attention – silence your phone and don’t check it periodically. Taking a phone call or checking your phone is rude; it demonstrates poor boundaries and a general disregard for the person you are with.
After a first date, I believe it is okay to text someone to thank them or to tell them you enjoyed the date. It’s a thoughtful, classy thing to do. Keep it short and sweet. The next communication should come from the other person – in the form of a text or a call. It’s important to be honest and mature when dating. Don’t send mixed signals if you are not interested. Of course, you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings (and you also don’t want to encourage them) if you are not interested in another date. Be respectful, kind and honest.
I suggest setting a boundary early on – perhaps even the first or second date. A simple, “I’m not much of a texter. I’d much rather talk on the phone or in person” is an easy way to show someone how you’d like to communicate. If it is past that point and texting has become a primary form of communication, people often worry that if they attempt to change the dynamic, the other person will take it personally. In this case, I recommend sandwiching the concern between two positive statements. A simple “You know, I am really enjoying getting to know you but I prefer talking over texting. It helps me get to know you better” is a great way to make a point without hurting someone’s feelings. Healthy relationships are about clear communication, setting boundaries and demonstrating respect for the other person.
There are a few common scenarios right now (or a combination thereof) where people are getting into trouble with regard to dating and texting. Beware:
The Over-Texter: Texting is not a substitute for actual conversations. It’s a turn off to many people when the other person wants to have a 20 minute text conversation. Pick up the phone and call. Lengthy thoughts about your feelings or oversharing personal information are a definite no-no.
The Buzzed Texter: Don’t text when you are out drinking or after being out on the town late at night. Alcohol compromises judgment. Enough said. Oh, the stories I have…
The Inappropriate Texter: Feeling flirty? It can wait for another time. Don’t say something you wouldn’t say to someone’s face in a text. This includes sexual innuendo or emotionally charged texts. Again, oh the stories…
The bottom line is that if you don’t know someone well, you shouldn’t be texting them EXCEPT to set a time for a date, confirm details of a date, or let someone know you are running a few minutes late. (And while we’re on that thought, please don’t text and drive - and always make every effort to be on time for dates. It shows that you respect the other person and their time!)
‘Have fun out there – and get back to personal communication basics when it comes to getting to know someone you are interested in. Your dating life will be more successful and productive if you keep texting under wraps.
Cheers to love!
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It is true that dating is the opportunity to build a loving, caring and supportive relationship. However, one mistake you should avoid is expecting the other person to shape your life for you. You have the obligation (and opportunity) to make the necessary changes in your life that will make you the ideal mate well before going on any dates. So what should you do? First, you have to look inside yourself to figure out why you are the way you are and why you may have had unsuccessful relationships in the past. This does not necessarily mean wallowing in self-pity because you think you have so many negative qualities. Rather, you need to take time to see your positive and negative traits (you can call these your strengths and your weaknesses if you like). For example, if you see that alcohol tends to bring out some of your more negative traits, then you should try to see you keep bringing this negativity into your life. Or maybe you have a food addiction that has contributed to your rapid weight gain? Every problem has a cause – fortunately, every problem also has a manageable solution. Recognizing these roadblocks and making active plans for change is a difficult but rewarding step.
Second, you should look at your relationships with other people before you consider dating anyone. This is important because the state of your current relationships may be a good indicator of how your dating life will progress. For instance, did you have a problem getting intimate with previous dates? You should track down the cause of that, because it may sabotage any future relationships you hope to have. Maybe the cause is that you once had a steady relationship with someone you deeply cared about – but that person cheated on you so you had to break off the relationship. This kind of experience can be traumatizing and get in the way of future intimacy.
Third, you should figure out what gives your life purpose and meaning right now. Is it your religion that you seem to get the most support from? Do you support charities with advocacies that you strongly believe in? Are there people whom you consider as mentors and want to emulate? Are there people who depend on you and who may want to emulate you? Questions like these can help you find out what you really find important – and allow you to build much more meaningful relationships later on.
If you are able to manage your life well then you may find that your true light will shine through in the way you behave on a daily basis. The importance of this goes far beyond finding the right date – your life will progress better, the people who you are closest to right now will value you even more, and your life goals will seem more achievable even if they are complicated. When this happens, you may find that you are indeed ready to consider dating someone new and bringing that person into your life.